what do i do.
i need somebody

i woke up at 10:30 this morning and put on bright clothes and I feel generally good...

this is so....weird....


....


PAARTTTTAAY

i just want to die
i just want to disappear
i just want to get hurt
i just want to hurt things
i just want to scream
i just want to cry
i just want to end it all
and i dont know why

Who I admire:




I really like this music video and song. She's so intense and strong. I need to work on being more like her...
I need to stop being melodramatic and just own the world.

i'm sorry for the things i do
i'm sorry for the rain
i'm sorry for the sunshine that won't come out again
i'm sorry i seem to ignore you
i'm sorry it appears i don't care
but it's hard for me to be myself when you're not physically there


i'm sorry for the things i do
i'm sorry for all i haven't said
i'm sorry for all those times i wasn't sitting here on my bed
i'm sorry for always being so empty
i'm sorry i'm such an airhead
but it's hard to have a normal conversation after all that we've said

i'm sorry for the things i do
i'm sorry for lonely nights
i'm sorry i always get us into these fights
i'm sorry for the cold winds
i'm sorry for the times we don't agree
i'm sorry i just don't love myself as much as you love me

i'm sorry for the things i do
but in the end... i still love you


i love you sen.

i'm so sorry.

I forgot 3 of my classes.

i forgot to go to my digital imaging class yesterday
and today i didnt want to go to my computer class
and i forgot that we have a huge assignment due in 2 weeks
and i COMPLETELY forgot my online class for 3 weeks
and i didnt do 2 weeks worth of assignments in my mass communications class


SHIT

FUCK ASS SHIT


this is pure suck...get me out of here...

If one person even dares to mess with me right now I am going to fucking beat the shit out of them. I don't know why but I really want to beat the fucking shit out of somebody. Whatever.
In other news I realized something new today.
I am a listener.
I hear things and I know things about everybody. I know each side to group arguments and I know the correct path to take but I say nothing and just sit there and listen because for some reason everybody can complain about their lives with me in earshot because I just don't exist in the social universe or something. I am a listener. I am a ghost.

And I realized another thing and that is that I need love. I need hugs and cuddling and anything and everything I once had back home. I'm so used to it and I used to live on the love my friends gave me constantly and now that I'm here it's like nobody cares about me...again.
Every time Aly comes over and holds me or something I never want her to stop because I miss it so much. My friends used to hold me all the time. People used to put their arm around my shoulder or give me warm hugs. They always were up to doing anything fun and exciting and always playing games and always trying to get everybody to smile and laugh. They always excepted everybody and anybody for who they are. It's not like that here though. Not at all. Everybody is against each other, clans are formed, people are betrayed and we all just want some dirt on the other person. Everybody wants to get high and get drunk. Nobody just wants to be silly and get people to laugh. Nobody wants to hug Sara just because she's there to hug. Nobody wants Sara.

Sara doesn't exist.

Sara is just a ghost.


She floats around, listening and observing and just wishing she could be held again and loved again, like back when she was still alive.



What is she to these people?





Is she anything?

I wrote this today. Liked it.
-----

She was nothing but silence. Hair the color of chestnut and scarlet autumn leaves encircled her delicate head and curled in mystical tattoo patterns on her shoulders. Her pale doll face was decorated with stars and the mossy green moons concealed themselves restfully in the sky. Peaceful cherry lips pressed together lightly and the smallest hint of a smile was displayed across them. Her slender arms were paler and stonier than trees in winter on a day with no breeze. They rested on her still chest and the long white fingers were calmly clasped. Her body was adorned with soft vanilla fabrics and a single amber stone glistened around her slender neck. The silence lied there in its pale and empty splendor. It looked so beautiful and so unbreakable. Gates to life beyond were opened at its side. They say that silence is golden, but in this moment it was porcelain.

The set-up was so fantastical that I briefly misinterpreted the moment as a trip to an art museum. Her face only showed cold beauty. Whoever it was that was with her last had removed all of the loneliness that darkened under her eyes and the hatred that wrinkled her brow. Her lips were now decorated with fruits and glass instead of lies and sobs and her gloved hands and wrists hid the truth of the occasion that the bodily designers were unable to hide with just makeup. As people walked by to examine the exhibit, I couldn’t decide whether they were crying tears of sorrow and remembrance of the broken girl she once was or tears from being so overwhelmed by such a beautiful sculpture.

i'm sick and tired

i have a really bad headache

i feel so.... blah.




so dead




so empty



so void
of purpose

Its cold around me, the night is young
the sun has fallen and I’ve become
the lonely one

the moon is dancing among the clouds
and my knees are shaking,
and my dreams are braking
but I know I live
But i know i live, today

okay so

sen and i are getting married in 5 years


and 2 years after that we're gonna have kids




i love sen!!!!!!!!

i wish i was gone

i love sen.

so much.




also, aly kissed my cheek and neck. it was nice. she also gave me some supportive hugs which were also nice. and she wants to eat brunch with me tomorrow!

i loved today

had a rough spot because Sen discovered this journal from hell.... but... i think today wins anyway.


my ear hurts.

me

.

I love Sen. I really think he's the one. I really think so.

I realize he's still very young.

But...

I really do believe that we were made for each other.



I want to be with him forever. Marriage and everything. I even want to have children with him.


I really truly love this man.

I love him.
SO much <3

Luke says:
I'm happy that you're happy with Sen. It's a little success story and gives me hope that I can find someone that makes me happy.

Faith says:
u and sen are a real love story
sure u guys have ur times but who doesnt...its worth it

Ruki says:
you guys are how a relationship should be.



----

In other news I feel sick and the Blood Fairy visited me today...
which means im not pregnant. niiiice.

but I AM IN PAIN GRRRRRRRRRRRR

I'm not quite sure what to say today that might sound actually good.

First off, last night there was no drinking which upset me greatly since I'm hardly ever in the mood for alcohol. Very disappointing.

Then there was the deal with Sen. Oh Sen... why do you have to do this. I told him gleefully that Aly and I were getting along again and his attitude... it was just... wrong it just wasn't HIM... I gave this jackass that wasn't him a name: Huo. It's the Chinese name for fire. Sen means Forest in Chinese and fire destroys the forest. Huo destroys Sen. I explained this to him and I explained that I want to break up with Huo, but never ever Sen. Sen replied mournfully the most incredible amount of words. It was like he was me for a moment as he explained his hatred for the world, but he does what he can to keep on smiling and everything he said just made me melt all over again as the chat ended with his defeat of Huo.

So the night goes on... blah. Then I decide to go to bed at last and go into the bathroom to clean a soup bowl and eat some ramen before sleeping. Ruki comes in looking dead. I've never seen her look dead. And she told me she felt sick and I'm like "well hey I don't feel so good either, I got this stuffy head and--" and she said "Not...that kind of sick..." she was grim. "something happened today". We went back to my room and she explained how she was in the backseat of a car with her 'friends' and there was this guy sitting next to her that she had only ever interacted with twice and they weren't very close at all. He started coming on to her and she didn't know what to do about it because this has never happened before. He starts kissing her neck and soon after her lips. Ruki cried mournfully as she stutters that she kissed him back even though she didn't want him near her. I explained that that will happen in a first kiss no matter what. It's okay. And she cried more as she explains that he starts molesting her and finally she pulls away and stiffly looks out the window and asks to go home. While we're sitting there she calls her "friend" and asks what the asshole has been saying about her and her "friend" won't tell her. Fuck that bitch.
So Ruki spent the night in my room and it was a bit uncomfortable since we were sleeping in the same bed and I definitely didn't want to touch her especially after the events of that day. I had her call out of work for today. I left for class while she was still asleep.

Men.... uuugh.

Sen's not like that though <3




ANYWAY. So today I'm very sick. I can't breathe, my throat is sore, and my chest aches and the air I breathe feels like acid.

ugh.

i need to sleep more, i guess... no partying tonight...

happened.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

i.

the sky is maroon with city lights the first time we shed our clothing and cling to each other.
you say it matches the colour of your heart, and i tell you to stop holding me and look for shooting stars and spaceships.

"no," you say, and kiss my forehead like i am something fragile.


iii.

i am pressing myself against the cold window, gazing at the storm clouds brewing over my backyard when you sidle up beside me. a fork of lightening rents the sky in two.

"electrifying," you laugh. "just like you."

"isn't it beautiful?" i ask.

"yes, you are."


v.

the day you leave me, the sky is the most perfectly pure shade of blue, your favourite colour spreading into infinity.
it makes me fucking sick.

driving home, i see the contours of your face in every cloud, in every stoplight, in the spreading crack on my windshield. i pull over on the interstate to vomit over the guardrails.

"you'll never be able to forget the way i made you feel," i had told you, but i realize now that it's me who will never be able to forget you.

i'll always be looking at beautiful blue skies and praying for an apocalypse to rip them apart.


vii.

you text me just to tell me that the purple sky makes you feel serene, and it makes you think of me, even to this day.

"do you think we can ever be normal?" i ask.

"i don't think soulmates can ever be normal apart."

"we weren't soulmates," i respond, and you don't text back.


ix.

last night the sky was so dark that i could not see the stars.





-estallidos

Aly and I changed our minds. We kinda really like eachother even though we fight like an old married couple and w/e.


Weird day...